Book I

Basically, the story starts off with Homer telling us that Odysseus was a pretty rad guy. He fought at Troy and won (remember the Trojan Horse story?), and for the most part was an awesome captain and leader. BUT after the Trojan War, when everyone else was on the way home, fate decides to take a giant, steaming, dump on Odysseus’ life. Seriously. Every single other person made it home safely. Meanwhile, Odysseus gets kidnapped by the nymph Calypso because she wanted him. Like, wanted him, wanted him. See where I’m going with this?

But of course Odysseus doesn’t care that after a long drawn out war, he’s on a deserted island with a totally gorgeous gal; our noble hero still pines away for his wife at home in Ithaca, Penelope.

Greta Scacchi over Vanessa Williams? I don't get it either.

A few years pass, and the gods decide it's time to let him go home. BUT Poseidon, the sea god, decides to be a little bitch and not let that happen.

Compassionate ruler of the seas? Fuck that.

**Note: Yes that’s King Neptune from Spongebob. Who the Greeks called Poseidon, the Romans called Neptune. So… same thing. Also, Spongebob is one of the most kickass shows on the planet.

ANYWHO, Poseidon really had it out for Odysseus, but apparently, he took a short break from his raging obsession with royally screwing up Odysseus’ life to go visit the Ethiopians. (What the fuck? I kid you not, the exact quote is: “But now Poseidon was away—his hosts, the Ethiopians, the most remote of men.”) Who knew the Ethiopians were such ballers in circa 1190 B.C.?

We'll "sea" who wins this fight.

And then there’s about a billion fucking names that all sound alike, so here’s what I gathered from the entire part where Homer gives us a little history about what happened to a guy named Agamemnon.

^Organizing classic literature like a boss. Fuck yeah.

Back in Mount Olympus, Athena, Zeus' daughter, is fed up with this crap. She asks dear old dad why he isn’t doing a damn thing about Odysseus, who apparently spent a lot of time kissing up to him by sacrificing goats and shit. Zeus tells her to shut the fuck up and that she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about; he loves this guy—Poseidon’s the one being a shithead. And then we find out why Poseidon hates Odysseus so much.

Greek mythology: where god + nymph = fugly one-eyed monster

So now the secret is out! Poseidon is pissed because Odysseus dug out the only eye of his mutant son, even though Polyphemus would have eaten Odysseus otherwise. But if you haven’t caught on by now—rationality and common sense? That shit has no place in a Greek Epic. But, like a boss, Zeus assures his daughter that they can take Poseidon if he has a problem.

So Athena straps on some magic sandals that take her from Mount Olympus to Ithaca in one step. She’s going to visit Odysseus and Penelope’s son, Telemachus. She gets to their house, but then changes her form to look like a foreign guy named Lord Mentes so no one freaks the fuck out that there’s a goddess dropping by to visit. (Apparently Poseidon doesn’t have that same problem.)

There’s a shit-ton of people at the Odysseus household, but Telemachus spots Lord Mentes anyway. He treats her like a fucking princess because apparently that’s what you do in Greece.

What should I do if a stranger offers me candy, mom? You eat your fucking candy and invite them to dinner.

Telemachus then tells Athena that all these fucking suitors have been at his damn house, eating his damn food, every damn day and night since they assumed Odysseus died, trying to get with his mom. Athena tells him to man the fuck up, that Odysseus is alive somewhere, and Telemachus needs to go look for him. So when his mother comes downstairs, he tells her to get the fuck back to her room while he talks to the men.

He turns around and yells at the suitors to get the hell out of his house. They get a little pissed off and tell him that he’s not king yet and despite his birth, it’s up to Zeus which of the Achaeans will be king, so Telemachus goes up to his room and thinks about the journey he’s about to embark on. That’s where Book One ends so at this point, you might be thinking, who the hell are the Achaeans, and what is the difference between Achaeans and Ithacans? Well I sure as hell didn’t know, so I powered up the internet and Google’d the shit out of the above question, and this is what I got:

Ithacans live in Ithaca. Odysseus was born in Ithaca. BUT, the Achaeans are also the inhabitants and rulers of Ithaca, including the suitors at Telemachus’ house. Achaeans are also the people who fought at Troy. So what’s the fucking answer? It turns out Achaea is just another name for Greece, whereas Ithaca is a specific island in Greece. So all Ithacans are Achaeans, and only the Achaeans who live in Ithaca are also Ithacans.* See? The internet is magical.

No caption is good enough.

See you tomorrow, guyz! Have a swell day!

*Do your own fucking research, I’m only 90% sure this is right. This is the site I used and it looks legit (BTW I am so angry that “legit” is now a real word”): http://www.poetryintranslation.com/PITBR/Greek/OdindexA.htm#Achaea